Okay, so that’s wrong on two counts: we’re not married and technically it’s The Lord Of The Rings Strategy Battle Game, but whatever, a pun is a pun.

During the festive gaming glut, which was sufficiently hectic enough to provide me with post-fodder for at least the next few weeks, Hark and I played a good few games of varying ilks, among them the aforementioned LotR SBG (that’s a terrible name).  Oddly, she rather enjoyed it – she took a force of Mordor Orcs, led by Grishnakh and accompanied by the customary Troll (Hark likes Trolls) against Blackheart’s Rohirrim, led by the increasingly unfortunate Eomer.

The game seemed to go fairly well, with lots of Orcs getting squashed and Grishnakh proving that he shouldn’t be underestimated as he chopped up a few Rohirrim.  Oh, and Eomer got squashed by the Troll.  This amused me – for some reason I like seeing Eomer get squashed by things, sent off in a hysterical blubbering fit or otherwise interfered with – and it seemed to please Hark as well:

i thought it was fun!  It was a lot less complicated than the game of Warmachine i played or the games of Warhammer that i’ve seen played.  When my Troll first moved into battle, it was LIEK WHOA!  ‘Cause when we started off my Orcs were a bit weak, with just one hit, and his guys were all ‘heh heh’ with the two hits, but it was obvious when the Troll moved in that i had a real chance at mashing the Rohirrim off the board.

The upshot of it all’s that we’ve been watching the films (we’d be reading the books but we only have the one copy and our reading speeds don’t match in the slightest, and anyway I’m halfway through…) and looking at the models and scheming various schemes.  Given that Hark likes both Trolls and Goblins and is partial to at least three members of the Fellowship I’ve suggested getting her the Mines of Moria box for her birthday, which seems to be going down well.

i like the look of the Mines of Moria.  i suspect it’s possibly going to be a bit uneven, and it might be a bit like ‘all these Goblins do the same thing and the Cave Troll does it a bit better’, but ‘here’s the Fellowship and they do exciting things’.  i suppose that’s good for a trainee game, ’cause you can be all “i hit it – BOOM” or “i do magical sparkly things and excitement!” and swap between the two to decide which you prefer.  i’d like to stick with the Goblins, but i’d like to add some slightly more exciting stuff to them – or at least i’d like to stick with the Evil side, i have to say.  It’s a shame i can’t have Legolas and Gimli in an Evil army, though…

Obviously i would be building up to my eventual Dark Queen: Army of Feminism (TM): Galadriel in her battle corset, Arwen, all the female Orc captains* I can lay my paws on, Easterlings** and Half-Trolls in bikinis***…

* – some of the Orcs in the third film are fairly obviously being played by women.

** – of course they’re girls – look at the eye makeup when they show up in The Two Towers!

*** – i just like Half-Trolls, okay?

How this fits in with my plans for the game (because I do have them, oh yes) remains to be seen.  I definitely still want to do my Uruk-Hai because Saruman’s the only sane man in Middle-Earth and because Blackheart hates them, and those are good reasons to do anything.  In the past I’ve not been too sure what to do with a Good army, though, but if Hark’s going for the Goblins I might do something unprecedented and rock the Dwarves (with a V, as Prof. Tolkien intended).  That does mean I’ll have plumped for two quite ponderous infantry-heavy forces, though… I dunno how much of an issue that’s going to be.  Maybe I’ll show some disrespect to Prof. Tolkien and run an Isengard Troll and some Warg Riders?

9 thoughts on “Wifehammer!

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      1. Hark, an all feminine list isn’t that hard to do, there’s plenty of background for that… If you want help with that (I’ve read all lotr-related books minus atlas of middle earth and the unfinished tales) I’ll happily cook something up.

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